


A New battle

by Ichika_Kaneki_1



Series: A New Battle [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul, tokyo ghoul re - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Kaneki Ken | Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka, KanekixTouka, Touken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-03 02:15:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 17,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15809265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ichika_Kaneki_1/pseuds/Ichika_Kaneki_1
Summary: It's been three weeks since the Dragon war and Kaneki has to adjust to more then just fatherhood.He has to learn to manage PTSD and anxiety. (CONTAINS SPOILERS FROM TOKYO GHOUL RE)





	1. Kaneki's Nightmare

"I saw it all. Your organization crumbling into dust. " Rize stood in front of me, in the dress she wore the night our first date.

"What? Think I'm lying? Want proof?" She stretched her right arm towards Kaneki. Two fingers slightly curled in. "Touch me."

The water from my clothes began pooling around my feet. I raised a trembling hand and let my fingers kiss hers.

Every part of my being straightened, every muscle contracting as hundreds of voices pleaded for life.

"Please-monster-

save me-

it's huge-

where are you?--

I'm scared--

Is this the end--

please my child--

I'm sorry--

For the CCG

\--AAHHH"

Eventually all the words drown out and all that was left was the screaming that reverberate on very part of my being and contorted whatever was left of my spirit.

My throat grew raw as the screams slowly ceased from around me. I wheezed.

"The people down their... in the water. Are they?" 

"Yes," Rize said. "Their people you killed."

"But... I--"

"And your child is next."

Rize faded behind me and atop the checkered black and white tiles lay a small girl. Hair a blinding white. A dark figure stood over it and slapped her in the face over,

and over

and over

and over

and over

and over

Scarlet pooled around the child.

"I'm sorry," she screamed. "I don't need it. I don't need anything. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I don't need it anymore. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Don't beat me. I won't ask for anything."

"No." I stumbled towards them and wrapped my hand around the figures wrists. The shadowed man slowed caught light and his grey eyes pierced into mine.

His--no my other self launched at me and pin my writs to the stone cold floor.

"She deserves to be hit." it hissed. "Father knows best." Blood seeped into my shoes.

"No one deserves to be hurt." It hissed a most unpleasant laugh and the shadow swallowed its face again.

"It's better to be hurt then to bring it onto others?" It lifted its face to reveal my mother's smile. "You've done far worse to mankind then I could ever do."

She cradled my face in her hands. "Do u really know what's best for your child?"


	2. A WHITE LIE

The rising sun blinded her sleeping eyes. Touka slowly blinked awake, rolling on her side to hug her husband-- only to find the bed completely empty.

She made her way to the kitchen, the smell of coffee filling her more with each step. Kaneki placed two brown sugar cubes into both of the steaming mugs in front of him.

"I'd thought you'd be up soon." He handed her the mug, both leaning in for a kiss.

"How long have you been awake?" she took her first sip and let the coffee warm him. It wasn't nearly as good as the old man's but it was better than anything served at the CCG.

"An hour," he grabbed his chin. "Maybe two." The area under his eyes were almost completely black and blue-- his eyes nearly bloodshot.

It had only been three since the dragon operation and Kaneki had been in a coma for two of them, so it made sense for him to look like a train wreck-- but he seemed to be getting more fatigued with each passing day.

"Kaneki you can tell me." Touka insisted.

"Honestly I just feel a little guilty sleeping after doing it for 14 whole days," he laughed.

"Well get as much sleep as u can because in 5 months you get the night shift."

Kaneki smiled, "Gladly."

Touka guided his hand to her stomach, his hand shaking.

"Kaneki?" His hand hovered over her abdomen and remained silent. "Kaneki!"

"I'm sorry what?" his eyes met hers and he let his hand relax to his side.

They remained silent for a moment.

"Are you ready go to Kimi's?" Touka offered. "We have to leave soon to make our appointment."

"Oh yeah, of course."

Silence.

"Can you get my jacket from the other room?" She offered.

"Of course."

"And stop saying that!"

"Of course." He mocked.

Touka rapidly dials Hide who picked up on the second ring.

~"What's up, Touka?"

"I can't talk for long. Kaneki's acting really strange-- even for him."

~"Oh. I would be two if I almost drown in bodily fluids." He laughed. "I have a meeting all day at the TSC today-- ugh-- but I can come over tomorrow night."

"Thank you so much, Hide."

~"Hey, maybe you can invite Yoriko. We could just watch movies all night."

"Don't you think we're a little old for that?"

~" Soon you'll have something worse than any ghoul running your house consuming all that remains of your social life. Come on Touka live a little. You're already like a shut in housewife."

"How dare yo-"

"I found it!" Kaneki called from the other room.

"Gotta go." Touka hung up.

"Who was that?" 

"Hide. He wants to hang out tomorrow"

"That sounds nice." Kaneki helped touka with her jacket.

"What do you think it will be?" She asked. Touka pulled both of kaneki's hands on her abdomen -- causing his chest to press into her back. His sweater was so soft against her skin.

"A girl" he whispered, holding a little tighter.

"Why?"

"Only girls have the power to bring the world together like this." Touka laughed and gently pushed him away.

"You never change do you?" Kaneki grabbed his chin.

"Yeah," but it was so quiet she couldn't hear.


	3. Old Times

~"Kaneki!" Hide shouted. Kaneki sprung to his feet ready to fight. His left eye glowed a mixture of red and black.

"Whoa, I know I haven't seen you in a while but you can't hate me already." Hide and Touka stood on near the opposing side of the couch he just flew off of.

Kaneki relaxed. "Sorry." He scratched the back of his head. "You just..."

"Um Kaneki... you can put you Kagune away." He looked behind him and found his kagune extending from the base of his back.

"Oh... I-" he groaned as it receded. "I'm sorry."

silence.

"Aww I liked that shirt." Touka smoothed out the fabric on his shoulders, then gave a kiss on his cheek.

"What are you doing here so early?" Kaneki asked.

~"It's three in the afternoon."

He tried to wipe the tiredness out of his eyes. "Shit, really?"

"Why were you sleeping on the couch anyway?" Touka asked.

"Couldn't sleep."

Silence.

~"Dude when was the last time you cut your hair? It's past your shoulders now."

"What you don't think I can pull of long hair?"

"You look like an old lady." Touka retorted.

Hide put his hands up "She said it not me. And you gotta listen to your wife." Hide folded his hands behind his head. "That sounds so weird to say. I don't think you were even capable of talking to girls in college."

Touka turned towards Hide. "Cut his hair before I strangle him with it." she faced Kaneki. "I'm going to Yoriko's. We'll be back in two hours."

And with that-- she left.


	4. Haircut

~"She's kind of pushy." Kanaki was sitting at the bar table that separated the kitchen from the living room. Hide sprayed water in his hair and started smoothing it out with a comb.

"I usually deserve it. I do look like a grandma with this hair."

Hide laughed. "How did it even turn white anyway?"

"I'm not sure but Kimi thinks it's from Marie Antoinette syndrome."

~ "Can you put that in normal people terms?"

"When Marie Antoinette was captured by the Varennes during the French Revolution she was under such extreme stress that her hair turned a snowy white in the days leading up to her execution. Some scientist dispute whether the condition actually exists because it's rare, but I guess I just love proving people wrong."

~Hide laughed. "You're not wrong. I'm still surprised your alive." He picked up the scissors and began to cut. "How did you and Touka find this house so quickly?"

"It was where Yomo and Touka lived while running 'RE'. We took Yomo's old room and turning Touka's room into a nursery. I felt bad taking it from Yomo but he said wanted to move back into his old apartment anyway." Kaneki laughed. "His old apartment was a storage unit, but we couldn't talk him out of it."

~ "I can't believe you gonna be a dad. It seems like just yesterday we were playing hopscotch in the school yard without a care in the world."

"I don't think I've ever seen you sentimental."

~"And I don't think I heard any details on the first time you fucked a girl."

Kaneki's cheeks went vermilion.

~"Where's the tea Kaneki? Oh my God, did you marry her before you got her pregnant?"

"I mean technically no."

~"Did you even go on a date with her first?"

"Ye-"

~"I mean like an actual date, not reading in the same room."

Kaneki paused. His faced burned a brighter red.

"Kaneki!"

"Can we talk about something else?" He pleaded, but was smiling from ear to ear.

~"Fine, but you should know that this is piping hot tea."

"You need to stop going on Tumblr so much."

~ "And become boring like you? Never. Meme's are required for my survival."

"When's your next meeting at the TSC?"

~"I have one more meeting next week but the TSC and the united front want me to act as an ambassador and spreading the message on everything they stand for. My first trip is to America, so I have two weeks of no meetings before I leave the country."

"How long will you be gone?"

~"Four months. They wanted me to stay for six months-- visiting every major city in North AND South America, but I just have to be here when you become," he wrinkled his nose. "a dad."

"Sounds like their going to work you to the bone. What kind of stuff do they want you to do?"

~ "I have to talk about what the TSC and the United front do, what their core values are, why their important, and help integrate more proactive technologies that can help ghouls live a normal life."

"Oh yeah, I hear Kimi been working on a synthetic meat for ghouls."

~ "Yeah it's super cool. I don't really know how it works and it's still in the testing phases, but they think the formula should be perfected within the next few years."

"Wow. Times really are changing aren't they."

~"Oh my god you already sound like my dad. What's next? Are you reading a book of Dad puns?"

"I can neither confirm or deny those allegations."

~ "I already hate what you've become." Hide gave one final snip near the nape of his neck. "Done." he handed Kaneki a mirror. "What do you think? I tried to cut it like you did back in college."

"I like it."

~"Did you find out the gender of that kid yet?"

"A girl."

~"You two thought of any names yet?"

"No." Ken laughed. "I've never named anything-- not even a pet. How am I supposed to do that for a... person."

~ Hide laughed. "Your just nervous."

"More than you can know."


	5. Big Girl

"Did we really have to eat here?" Touka groaned.

~"I'll have you know that Big Girl is one of the finest American restaurants in Tokyo. And if it wasn't for this stupid mask we'd be experiencing the American Aura of Big Girl and not sitting on the floor of your living room." Hide, Yoriko, Kaneki, and Touka were all sitting cross legged in front of the television that was providing more light then entertainment.

"Sorry, Hide." Kaneki said sipping coffee out of a styrofoam cup with Big Girl's Logo on it.

~"Will you stop apologizing for two seconds?"

He coughed. "Oh my god. Is all American coffee this bad? It taste like water with three coffee grounds in it." Yoriko nibbled her first bite of the hamburger steak.

*"Wow this is really good."

~"Don't act so surprised." Hide had already devoured half of his own hamburger steak.

Touka took her first cut into the steak, barely big enough to cover two prongs of the fork. Her hand shook as she raised it into her mouth.

"Holy crap." She covered her mouth. "That doesn't suck."

"So those pills are working?" Ken asked.

*"what pills?" Yorkio asked.

"Kamii gave Touka these pills that are supposed to make her less nauseous so she can eat food easier."

*"And it's actually working? Does it taste the same for you as it does for humans?"

"Not unless it taste like Kaneki's coffee."

Ken raised his cup "Just barley bearable to consume." He took another swig-- grimacing at the liquid. 

~ "So Touka how's pregnent life treating you?"

"I'm tired all the time, and everything hurts, but at least I haven't had any mood swings."

Kaneki laughed.

"And what's so funny?"

"Just yesterday we were watching Ponyo and you started crying because the fishes was 'just so cute'."

Touka looked down, her face red. Hide laughed.

~ "I never thought I'd see the day Touka goes soft."

"Don't get used to it wise ass."

* "I don't think all four of us have ever gotten together like this." said Yoriko. "I don't even think Touka and I hung out like this in high school. You used to be so closed off about everything, even though I could always tell when something was tearing you apart. Of course now I know why, but I'm glad we can finally be closer." Yoriko lifted her cup. "To a new beginning." Everyone else's raised their cups "cheers."

~"Touka are you crying?"

"No I have something in my eyes."

~"Yeah, sadness." Touka punched Hide in his stomach-- making him cough up the food in his mouth.

"You deserved that." Kaneki laughed.

~ "I've been your best friend for decades! You should take my side." All three of them laughed. When the laughter died Kaneki said,

"Do you remember the first time we went to Big Girl? It was the day we got accepted to Kamii."

~"Oh yeah! I couldn't find my name at first. I was horrified I'd have to go to college all alone."

"We ordered the biggest basket of fries they had and ate it at the park until the sun rose." Kaneki reached for the fries on Hide's plate. He took one bite and chewed once. His entire face contorted as the color drained from he face. The others laughed. He swallowed hard.

"Come on guys, with all you eating I feel left out." But nothing could stop their laughter.


	6. Egg

*"What movie should we start with?" Yorkio asked.

~"I know the perfect movie!" Hide dug in his backpack and pulled out MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO.

"Isn't that movie for kids?" Touka asked.

~ "That is exactly why I picked it out!"

"Can't we watch something else?" She urged.

"No I like this movie." said Ken. "It has sentimental value."

"Why?"

"It was the first movie Hide watched with his Dad's. He was so obsessed with it that he made me come over to his house to watch it. We ended up watching it six times that weekend."

~ "It's a good movie!"

*" He's not wrong."

"Ugh Fine." Touka leaned over to Kaneki. "Should I tell him I haven't seen seen it?"

"No, you'll never hear the end of it."

Touka used Kaneki's head as a pillow and let his arms cradle her closer. The movie rolled the opening credits, filling the entirely dark room with an almost blinding light.

~ "Doesn't it just make you nostalgic Kaneki?" No answer. "Kaneki?"

Ken's eyes were closed, breathing slowed, and his cheek rested on Touka's hair for support.

*"How does he fall asleep so fast?"

Touka laughed. "Thank you guys for coming."

~"Anytime."

*"Whenever you need us."

Touka slowly shut her eyes-- feeling safe for the first time in years.


	7. A Harsh Awakening

Kaneki shot awake covering his mouth. Touka, who had been laying on Kaneki's lap, fell on the floor.

"Kaneki?" The others stirred. 

Kaneki mumbled, "I'm sorry" but it only came out as a whimper.

Touka raised to her knees-- rubbing her eyes. "What's wrong?"

He stumbled backward and the dull light of the television reviled his glowing red eye shrouded in black. Kaneki stumbled in the kitchen. He screamed, still trying to silence it will his hand, but the sound was still deafening.

It appeared he was pushed onto the floor of the kitchen. His shirt ruffled at the nape of his back then tore as his kagune released. They curled and dug themselves into the tile. Touka keeled in front of Kaneki.

"Kaneki. Please-"

"Stay away!" His kagune punctures the floor between the two of them putting Kaneki in a cage of his own power.

~"Dude!" Hide screamed.

*"What's going on?" Whimpered Yorkio.

 

You have to protect them

But we're safe

'You have to protect them from you.'

 

His Kagune dug deeper as it emerged out of his back. He heard his name being shouted but it was though water. The bodies of those he killed claiming on top of each other. Jason twisted onto kaneki's right arm and Rize clawed at the left. His blood spilled and expanded above him as they dragged him down. At least that's what Kaneki saw. He heard laughter through the ocean of scarlet.

Touka, Yoriko, and Hide watched as Kaneki's laugh filled the room. Not out of joy, or even sorrow, but the kind of laugh he could only share with the joker. He dug his nails into his arm,

Over

and over

and over

and over

and over--

as blood flowed down his body expanding into the puddle around his knees. Hide guided Touka away and leaned into the monsters cage. "Buddy, you don't look good. " 

The scratching stopped, not gradually but as a car going 100km per hour to still within an instant. The laughing ceased with the same veracity.

"STAY AWAY!" He took his head in his hands. The skin from his shoulders to his wrists were completely gone. "Stay away, away, away, away." 

Hide let out a single soft laugh. "Just like old times." He lowered his mask and let Kaneki's damp eyes take it in for the second time.

He was frozen their, only for a moment, but it dragged an eternity long.

"I'm sorry Hide." His kagune began to retract. "I never meant to hurt you."

~"I know" He whispered. 

Kaneki looked down at himself-- his arms already partially healed. 

"I've made quite a mess." 

Hide put his mask back on. 

"I'm never gonna hear the end of this from Yomo." Ken laughed. "He knew I'd damage something."

~"What's going on?" Kaneki gaped at Touka. Her cheeks were moist and more was still spilling over from her eyes.

"Nothing?" Ken tested.

"You've been acting strange for days." Touka wimped, kneeling in the puddle of blood. Kaneki's eyes were wide as he focused on her abdomen. She reached for his hand.

"NO!" he screamed again. She simply obeyed. Kaneki let his hands rest in the pool of blood that soaked his knees. 

*"Please," Yoriko urged. "We just want to help."

Silence.

"This is embarrassing." He laughed. "And stupid, but... I've been having these... nightmares." He clenched his fists. "I-I havn't told anyone this...I... It... Um-- Why is this so Goddamn hard?"

"Kaneki, please." Touka pleaded. "We want to help."

"I know... When my mom was alive." His eyes locked on the tile floor so no one could make out his face. "I would ask her for books, notebooks, pens, stupid things. We didn't have much money even though she worked so hard to make ends meet. So whenever I asked for anything she would lose her temper and... beat me." His voice quivered. "I mean I guess you could say that... and in the dream I'm... " He covered his mouth choking a sob. "Beating our daughter until she's drowning in blood." He gave a soft chuckle. " I guess that wouldn't be so hard to believe." Ken slapped the blood river expanding at his feet with his fist.

"We both know that would never happen." Touka said.

~ "Yeah, no offense but your too soft to do that."

*"You're nothing like your mother." said Yoriko.

"You know the weight of what she did," Touka said. "You know what's right."

"I do?! Then how the fuck did I manage to kill so many people? As 'the dragon' as 'one-eye' as 'Haise' as 'the one eyed king'. I don't even know how many lives i've taken because I was so sure I was doing the right thing in that moment. Sure I know now, but what if I lose myself again?"

Silence.

"I don't want you guys to fix this. There's no real problem. I'm just wea-"

"Do you remember that night?" Touka spoke softly. "The night we made her?"She hugged her torso. "You were so gentle. Even when I told you to go harder your touch was still light." She cupped her hands within his. "So I don't think you have anything to be afraid of."

Kaneki smiled, touching his chin.

~"What else?" Hide asked.

"What?"

~ "Tell me the rest of the story."

"That is the whole--"

~ "Stop acting stupid."

He signed. "How cold have I become? I didn't want to lose you by what I've done."

~ "None of us blame you for what happened."

"I know but... " He sobbed. "I don't want to give you the chance to make me stay."

Touka whimpered, "You're not making any scene."

*"I think I know someone who can help."


	8. A Question

~ "A therapist's office! We're moving up in the world." Hide cheered.

"This feels kind of dumb." Kaneki complained.

*"No," Yoriko said. "I came here after Touka left because I fell into this kind of depression and Riku helped me get my life back on track."

"Do you still come here?" Touka asked.

*"No, not really-- I do still take some anti-depressents though."

"Guys," Kaneki held his chin. "I'm not depressed."

*"Well," Yoriko chirped. "You might not, but what's wrong with getting help for something you're struggling with?"

Kaneki looked down at his feet.

All failure in this world is due to a lack of individual ability.

Touka guided his head up with the edge of her pointer finger. "It's going to be fine." She laced her fingers with his and held them between their chests.

Kaneki couldn't help but smile. "But did Yoriko and Hide need to come? This is embarrassing."

~ "Wow thanks bro."

* "We just knew you'd try to weasel your way out of this."

Touka laughed. "You know we're right."

The door directly across from the four opened. A tall, slender man with dark brown-- almost black hair entered the hall.

♘ "Hello," he said "My name is Riku Wada, and you must be Ken Kaneki." The shook hands.

"Nice to meet you," Kaneki's voice was barely above a whisper.

♘ "Let's just have a seat and my desk and have a little chat." He gestured towards the room and let Ken enter first. "It is nice to see you again, Yoriko." He bowed before shutting the door.

Riku took a seat across from Kaneki, the burgundy desk reflected their faces back to them. The room was eerily quiet except for small waterfall to the right of the table and Ken's foot tapping with the waters beat.

♘ "I'm going to give you a series of statements, and I want you to tell me if you agree or disagree with them, alright?" His voice was soft and gentle, but it didn't bring any ease to the young man across from him.

"Okay."

♘ "I feel slowed down."

"Yes, but I think that's because I was in a coma last week."

♘ "My future seems hopeless."

"No, In fact my future hasn't looked so bright since... ever." Ken forced a laugh.

♘ "Is it hard to concentrate while reading."

"Yes."

♘ "I have difficulty making decisions."

 

choose, choose 

 

He laughed, "Not lately."

♘ "I feel fatigued."

"Yes, but again I think it's because of the coma."

♘ "you feel agitated and need to move around."

Ken stopped tapping his leg. "Apparently."

♘ "Just do what makes you comfortable." Ken clutched his knee with his hand to keep it from moving.

♘ "I have experienced hallucinations."

"Yes."

♘ "It takes great effort to do simple things."

 

A teacup shatters at Ken's feet, spreading the coffee it once contained onto the pink tiles.

"Ken!" touka yelled. "That's the third one this week."

 

"Yes." Ken looked down.

♘ "I feel like a failure."

He focused on the space between his feet. "Yes."

♘ "I feel I am a guilty person who deserves to be punished."

He clenched his fists. "Yes."

♘ "I feel lifeless-- more dead than alive."

His foot began to tap again, faster then before-- nearly drowning out the sound of the waterfall. "I guess."

Riku offered a soft smile, but Ken couldn't see it.

♘ "I feel trapped."

Fists clenching harder, He could feel the cuffs back on his wrist and see Jason looming over him. He rested his elbows on his knees and hunched forward. "Yes."

♘ "I have thought of suicide."

Blood began pooling inside his fist, but he stayed entirely silent.

♘ "Let me rephrase-- Have you thought about ending your life in the last few weeks?"

The water fountain continued to drip.


	9. A Plan

"Would Anti-depressents even work on a ghoul?" Yoriko asked.

~ "Well, the only real difference between humans and ghouls is their RC factor, and I don't think those kinds of drugs would even affect your RC count, at all. Especially, considering he was once human-- it should work in the same way."

"I'm sorry for leaving you without saying anything, Yoriko." Touka leaned forward with her hands laced together. "I'm sorry I... disrupted your life. I never meant to hurt you."

*"It wasn't your fault." Yoriko put her hands on top of Touka's.

"That doesn't make what I did right." She was sobbing now. "Dammit."

*"No one blames you, Touka. Some things just... happen. And it gave us a life we never thought we could have."

"You're right," Touka choked. "You're always right."

~ "You sound like Kaneki now."

Touka laughed, whipping the moisture out of her eyes. "What can I say? It's catching."

The door finally opened and Riku stepped out-- shutting the door so quickly that they couldn't see Kaneki hunched over his office chair behind him.

The three stood all at once, all with mouths trying to form words. Touka found her voice first.

"Is he...?"

♘ "I'm afraid it's worse than we thought. I need to keep Kaneki under observation... indefinitely."

"What?" Touka yelled.

♘ "He's a danger to himself, and possibly others."

"A danger?" Touka asked. "What if he--" She paused, unsure if she was saying to much.

♘ "Releases his Kagune? I know Kaneki is a ghoul-- I'm pretty sure everyone in Japan knows the story of Ken Kaneki and how he stopped the Dragon War. That being said, I cannot put him in a normal observation room, so I've reserved a room for him to stay at Cochlea. And I know the history he has their, but I feel like reliving some old memories, especially painful ones, might be his first steps to feeling..."

~ "Less like shit?"

♘ Riku laughed. "Yeah-- exactly like that."


	10. War

There was nothing in the medal room besides a plastic fold up chair and a one way mirror.

Kaneki sat straight in the chair and stared passed himself in the mirror-- hoping to make out his wife and friends behind it.

This is triggering, He thought, but every part of his body was shaking and he knew if he spoke it wouldn't come out humorous.

A PA system clicked to attention and a familiar voice echoed in the room,

♘ "Stop holding back, you can't hurt anyone."

He stared at his shaking hands "Holding back?", but it was so quiet he might as well have mouthed the words.

He let out a long breath, allowing his kagune finally unwind. He hunched down to all fours, a million voices shouting in his head.

 

Protect them.

Who?

Your family.

From who?

 

It felt as though something was crawling in his brain, scrabbling his thoughts. Ken jumped to the wall, getting aerial shots to the floor below him.

"I will protect you!"

♘ "From who?"

 

Who?

Who.

 

"Nishiki? Rize? Jason? No no no... " The voice no longer belonged to ken. "Her. Her. Her."

♘ "Who?" Riku asked.

The chair in the rooms center morphed into a small child with raven hair. A half smile carved itself in Ken's skin

"Father knows best!" His kagune punctured the chair, reducing it to splinters. At least that's what everyone else saw.

Kaneki watched in horror as the little girl, who was barely old enough to crawl on her own, bled out from the hole through her stomach.

He sat next to her, watching the blood slowly draining from her already lifeless body.

"No

No

No

No

No

No."

"I need to get in there." Touka's voice was stern. 

♘ "This is just part of the--"

"I said I need to get in there... and I'll do whatever it takes to get to him." Her eyes glowed a stunning Vermilion. 

Riku sighed and handed her the keys.


	11. Murder

Touka entered the room. Kaneki crouched over-- his kagune moving frantically outward from him-- scratching the ceiling, the walls.

"No no no... my body, my soul my mind." The voice was deeper then Ken's, yet the impostors speech still managed to escape from his lips.

"Kaneki." He froze, but only for a moment, He clawed at his hair as his entire body convulsed with the never ending expanding force of his kagune.

"I'm sorry, I don't need it,

Nine hundred ninety-three

no,

No,

Nine hundred eighty-six 

No,

No,

Ni-n-Nine hundred s-seventy-nine

No,

No

Nine-n-nine hundred s-se-eventy-two."

"Ken." He stood, still facing away. "1000 minus 7? D-Do you know?" He leaned back to meet her eyes.

Touka's stomach throbbed, white spots flashing through her vision. She held her belly; her legs buckled. The medal floor sent a shiver up her body, turning everything in her to ice. She groaned, hugging her abdomen tighter. 

Ken was standing in front of her before she saw him move. All four of his tentacle like kagune lunged towards her and--

Struck the ground around her.

He wrapped his arms around his wife, gentle enough that the heat of his body was the only reassurance that he was actually holding her.

"I-I can't do this alone anymore," He sobbed. "I'm sorry. Touka you've been through so much--" He slide his hands to her belly. "You're still going through so much... This is the last thing I want to have you deal with."

She laughed. "What I've been through. Ken, that doesn't even compare to all the shit you've been dragged through."

"But things are not better now, they should be better, we should be safe. I--"

She coddled his cheeks in her hands. "Through sickness and in health right?"

His lips quivered as tears streamed down his face. He reached his hands up her back and rested his head on her breasts.

"Right... I'm sorry."

"You know I hate it when you apologize." He lifted his head so their lips were leveled.

"I'm sorry should I stop?" ken leaned in a met her lips, his chest set ablaze. Her lips twitched, letting out a groan as their kiss faded.

"What's wrong?" Touka clutched Kaneki's shoulders, sweat dripping down her face. 

Kimi had said the cramps were just due to the over-consumption of human food, and were something they shouldn't be concerned about.

"Just breath." She rested her head on her shoulders; Ken pulled her closer as she slowly found her breath.

"No more secrets?" She asked.

"No more secrets."


	12. Carolina Blue

~ "Aren't you having a girl?" Hide dipped the paint roller into the blue paint buket and rolled it on the once white walls. Ken was using a brush and delicately painting the space between the wall and the door frame.

"Yes," Touka answered sitting on the hallway floor just outside the baby's room. She barely looked up from her book

~ "Well if your having a girl shouldn't you paint it pink?"

"Actually," Kaneki began. "Red and darker pinks tend to have a negative impact on the brain, causing an individual to feel more irritable and violent. Blue, however, tends to have a calming effect, and I feel like all of us could use more tranquility in our lives."

~ "Once a nerd, always a nerd. You better not start telling terrible dad jokes."

Kaneki reached for the stuffed bear out of the pile of stuffed animals in the middle of the room. "That would be un-bear-able."

"I'm divorcing you."

Ken laughed and through the bear back in the pile.

~ "Touka if you're not gonna help paint at least make fun of Ken more."

"80% of my time now is dedicated to trying not to throw up."

~"Kaneki tends to have that effect on people."

"Fuck off." Ken laughed. "I will drown you in these stuffed animals."

~"Why do you have so many of them anyway?"

"Do you want to tell him?" Kaneki asked.

"Yomo gave us 52 stuffed toys, a crib, a changing table, and what is probably a year's supply of diapers."

~ "Wow," Hide laughed, "He's really crazy about this isn't he?"

"That would be an understatement," Touka scoffed.

~ "Isn't that less work for you guys."

"It is," Ken said "But it takes away some of the joy of actually buying something for your baby. The paint is the first thing we actually bought for her."

~ "Well, you guys can't be too annoyed. Yomo's just excited to be a grampa."

"What do you mean?" Touka asked.

~ "Yomo helped take care of you guys when you had no one. He saw everyone close to him die with Antieku. It sounds like he just once to spoil your daughter for as long as he possibly can."

Kaneki couldn't help but smile at that.

The doorbell rang.

"That must be Yoriko. Kaneki, can you help me up?" He put his paintbrush on the lid of the paint can. He supported her at her elbows as she rose to her feet.

"Oh!" She put a hand on her abdomen.

"What is it?" Touka guided his hand to hers, and both felt their child kick. Kaneki put both of his hands on her belly and felt the baby move.

 

"Does it hurt?" Ken asked. Touka laughed.

"It's the best feeling in the world." She pulled his chin closer, and just before their lips met the doorbell rang again.

"Yoriko!" Touka ran to the door.

Kaneki looked at Hide.

~ "You guys are so cliche."

~ I'm glad to finally see you this happy.


	13. Old Friends

* "I didn't know you were such a good cook Kaneki." Yoriko chirped.

"Back when I could eat," He scratched the back of his head. "Wow, that sounds weird." Ken laughed nervously. "I cooked for myself all my life."

*"Your mom didn't cook for you?"

"My mom died when I was young, and even when she was alive she didn't really have time. She never stopped working." His voice wasn't sad, but distant-- as if it was so long ago it was just another fact.

*"And your dad?"

"I don't remember him." She stopped chopping the carrots she was cutting.

*"I'm so sorry."

He laughed. "Frank McCourt once said "'The happy childhood is hardly one worth while'. It made me a good cook, as you say."

* "Yeah."

"I've never made Potato Korokke or Honey Kasutera before."

He set the platter of food onto the dinning room table, careful not to disrupt the fully set table.

Yoriko put the carrot slices onto a small plate and accompanied it with a handful of Arugula. 

* "I've never seen Touka so happy. We have been friends for so many years, and she always seemed a little sad. But now, her smiles are never faked." Her voice wavered. "It's just so amazing to see how the world has come together in a matter of weeks." Tears streamed down her face.

"Here" Kaneki handed her a tissue.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get so--"

"No. What you said... It means a lot."

She threw away the tissue and began to slice the hard boiled eggs.

"Yoriko?"

*"Hmm?"

"What profession did Touka want to go into during High School?" Her cutting slowed, but did not stop.

*"She wanted to be a teacher... but since she couldn't go to college since Antieku was burned down-- the CCG knew everyone who worked their and knew she was a ghoul. So she ran 'RE' with Yomo, but you know all that."

"Do you think she still wants to be a teacher?"

*"I don't know. People change-- so much has changed-- you should ask her.

Yoriko added carrot slices, Arugula, and the thinly sliced boiled egg into the pot of Raman.

* "If it's any consolation she did talk about wanting kids."

"Really?"

"Yeah, we both want two kids."

She set the pot on the table. Kaneki added a basket of biscuits, and rice to the set up.

* "I think we're done!" Yoriko chirped.

"Wait." Ken dug into the cabinet under the sink and pulled out three candle sticks.

* "Do you really think Hide and candles is a good mix?" She joked

"Don't worry, they're battery powered. It still melts the wax to get the smell, but lessens the risk of fire."

Yoriko laughed a little harder then she probably should have.

"What?"

*"Nothing, It's just... you're so worried about being a dad when you basically already are one."

Ken's faced ached with how wide he was smiling.


	14. Family

"I shouldn't be this nervous," Ken complained.

~ "Dude you already met my parents."

"Yeah but that was before I messed up your face!"

~ "I mean your right, but you don't have to say it."

*"They're here." Yoriko put her phone in her back pocket. Yoriko opened the door as three men and a woman exited the cab.

"It's so nice to see you again Mr. and Mrs. Kuroiwa." Touka said giving each a small bow.

⛀ "What are you doing?" Mrs. Kuroiwa said. "Give me a hug." She embraced Touka in her arms. "How's the baby?"

"She's doing well."

⛀ "She? So it's a girl. Have you thought of any names?"

"Well, we have a few in mind," Touka hooked Kens arm above hers "but we haven't settled on anything."

⛂ "Congratulations you two," said Mr. Kuroiwa "For both your service to the city, and the child." He handed them a small gift.

⛀ "It's an American book called 'Love you Forever'. It was Yoriko's favorite book growing up"

"You're too kind." Ken smiled.

⛀ "It smells delicious," She said to Yoriko, making her way to the dining room table. "What did you guys make." She left Ken, Hide, and his dad's in the doorway.

Keneki bowed, his body nearly making a ninety degree angle.

"I'm so sorry for the burden I have been to your family. There are no words to describe how truly sorrowful I am by what I have--" Hide's parents fully embraced Kaneki.

"Sweetie there's no need to apologize." His Dad began.

"We already love you." His father finished

Kaneki hugged them harder, fighting tears.

⛀ "This coffee is delicious!"

⛂ "Are we just gonna stand here, or are we gonna eat?"


	15. Next

~ "Thanks for having us guys."

*"Bye."

The door closed behind them, leaving Kaneki and Touka alone in their home. The silence was abrupt after the hours of eight people speaking over each other. Ken relaxed the tension in his shoulders he didn't know he was holding.

"That went really well." Touka said, bringing the dishes to the sink.

"I think so too." He turned on the sink and began scrubbing a plate. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I didn't eat that much." She dried the plate and put it back in it's resting place. "But the baby keeps kicking and that makes me a little nauseous. I mean it's wonderful and everything, but it gets annoying after a while." She laughed putting another dish away.

"Touka?"

Her smile faded "What is it?"

"Do you still want to be a teacher?" She paused.

"I don't know-- the baby has taken over my thoughts." She put another pot away. "I don't know, I haven't thought about it in so long... what do u want to do?"

"I got offered a job as a part time TSC investigator."

"Do you think You're going to take it?"

"Yes, but I told them I would take a year off for family leave. So I'll still get a pay check even when I'm here."

"Is it dangerous?"

"Not nearly as dangerous as anything else I've been doing the past 5 years."

She laughed. "Doesn't that mean I'm stuck here taking care of our child?" Her lips curled up "That definitely wouldn't be a bad thing."

Ken turned off the sink and dried his hands on a towel. "If you could do anything -- what would you do?"

"I guess... I'd want to work at a cafe or bakery with Yoriko... It's dumb."

"Its funny."

"Why?"

He wrapped his hands around her waist. "Because Yoriko said she wanted the same thing."

"Oh my god," she wrapped her arms around his neck. "We've become so domestic."

Ken pulled her closer. "Unfortunately."

Their lips met, burning their chests. Ken leaned in further, sneaking his lips down to her neck. She moaned softly enough to heat more then just his chest. She pushed him away lightly.

"Let's take this to the bedroom."


	16. How am I... Pretty?

Kaneki sat up in his bed. He sat completely still, trying to hear exactly what had woken him up.

*vomiting noises* (IDK MAN)

Ken jumped to his feet and ran to the bathroom.

Touka was on her knees, gripping the sides of the toilet. Ken fell to his knees beside her, her face still hidden behind her hair.

"I'm fine." She pulled her hair back behind her ears. He could see the water spilling from her eyes and sweat glistening on her forehead.

She clutched her stomach, groaning as she fell back against the wall.

Ken slides behind her and massages the base of her back. She clutched his knees to keep herself upright.

"That feels...nice" She panted.

"It was a tip in one of those books Yomo gave us."

"God I hate it when that bastard is right," but she was smiling.

Touka slowly leaned back against Ken, his arms wrapping around her. Ken felt the baby kick. He ever so slightly glided his hands on her stomach until the finally stopped sqirming.

"That's the first time she stopped kicking in four hours."

Ken kissed her cheek. "I love you so much, Touka."

She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes. "I love you too."


	17. Worthless

♘ "We're going to try something a little bit different today." Riku put down his pen and pad on the table between them.

"Alright." Ken said.

♘ "I want you to take a seat on the couch over here." Ken laid down on the most stereotypical therapist couch he's ever seen. He forced a laugh as Riku sat on the chair across from him.

♘ "We are going to do a guided meditation of sorts. I do this with a lot of my patients, and now I've gotten to know your past-- I think this will really help you."

"Okay."

♘ "Close your eyes." Ken obeyed. "Imagine a ten year old version of yourself sitting right here on this couch,"

 

♘ "Now this was the boy who first believed he was an embarrassment. 

♘ "I want you to imagine him sitting their right now. Now tell that little boy he's an embarrassment. Tell that little boy he's worthless." 

He waited for an answer but Ken remained completely still.

♘ "Tell that little boy he's useless, a mistake." He waited again. Ken clenched his fists but remained silent. "Tell that little boy that he doesn't deserve to be alive!" 

He waited once more, but the waterfall on his desk was the only thing filling this room with noise.

♘ "Because that's what you do every single day when you say that to yourself. And you convince yourself that you're an embarrassment. And a burden. Do you think he's worthless?"

"No," He sobbed, pressing the ball of his fist into his eyes.

♘ "No? Or useless?"

"No."

♘"No? or an embarrassment? Or horrible, or a burden?"

"Just stop it!" His words could barley be made out between each sob. "Alright? no." He sucked in a wavering breath.

♘ "What do you want to say to that little boy? If that's how he said he felt about himself." He waited. "What would you tell him?

"That he's fine," He whispered. "That he's perfect."

♘ "That's what you need to tell yourself, every time you feel that panic-- that anxiety. You need to sooth yourself like you would for that little boy."

♘"You're amazing at fighting for others-- but their's nothing wrong fighting for your own sake."

Ken sobbed, putting his face in his knees.

♘ "None of this makes you weak. You deserve to love yourself... Everyone around you thinks so. Your wife, your best friend-- they love you and forgive you and LOVE you. You deserve to give yourself the same kindness. Yeah?"

"Yeah."

♘ "You need to tell yourself that everything is going to be okay."

Ken laughed the urge to grab his chin.

"Okay."

 

'I can stand any pain as long as it has reason, but this transcends logic. This is truly a never ending war.'

 

"I am worthy," Ken said, but the words were bitter on his tongue.


	18. Catching up

♢"Why is the room blue?" Ayato complained, working with Yomo and Kaneki to assemble a crib.

"Don't even get Ken started." Touka said organizing all the stuffed animals on a bookshelf with Hinami.

♡ "I like the color. It's calming," Hinami said.

"Thank you Imoto-chan."

"So," Touka said to Hinami. "What have you and Ayato been up to the past two months?"

♡ "Well, Ayato spends most of his day working at the United Front fighting the Dragon Orphans, and he lets me fight alongside him sometimes, but I always end up at the United Front Orphanage. The kids their are so sweet. I've been teaching them how to read and write. It just feels so... right their. So I'll probably just keep helping at the Orphanage and leave the fighting to Ayato. He already started making a name for himself."

"Is that so?" Touka asked.

♢ "I was promoted to Peacekeeper last week so now I command several troops, in addition to my own."

"Wow," Ken said. "Peacekeeper in two months. You're a great leader." 

♢ "Oh shut up Snow White."

"Hey, My hair is getting darker."

"That doesn't matter," Touka laughed. "We're keeping that nickname."

"Please don't"

♢ "Hey snow, do You think you're going to join the United Front? They could use the One Eyed king on their side."

"I already started helping with some paperwork at the TSC, but I won't start until June."

♢ "You're going ten more months without working?! It can't be that hard to raise a kid."

Ken scratched the back of his neck and laughed nervously, "It's taking me a long time to recover from the accident."

♢ "What do you mean? You should be fully healed by now... Oh that's right you're going to therapy, right? Do you really think it will help?"

"I wouldn't have to go if you would have let me drown."

♟ "Kaneki Ken!" Yomo shouted. "Don't say such things."

"It was just a joke."

♟ "It's not funny."

"Y-yes sir."

Touka threw a stuffed animal at Ayato.

♢ "Ow! What was that for?"

"I don't think I ever got to give you a proper beating after you kidnapped my Ex-boyfriend."

Yomo stopped midway threw screwing a nail into the crib.

♟ "Ex?"

"Touka! Stop joking about that. You're going to get Yomo to kill me." He faced Yomo. "Ex-boyfriend, because I'm her husband."

Yomo focused back in the crib.

♟ "Good. If you ever leave Touka I'm going to have to kill you."

"Please do. If I ever leave Touka I will have lost my mind."

Hinami said,

♡ "Aww"

At the very same time Ayato said,

♢"You can't lose somthing you never had." 

"I will break 103 of your bones." Ken warned. 

♟ "Its finished," Yomo said. He lifted the crib upright.

♡ "If I'm Ken's little sister, does that mean I'm about be an Aunt?"

"Of course." Touka worked her way to her feet with Hinami's help.

♡ "How many more months do you have left?"

"Three. Her due date is December 23rd."

♡ "Let's hope she's not born on Ken's birthday." Hinami laughed.

Touka put the mattress in and began to push the crib towards the wall. Yomo grabbed her by her forearm.

♟ "You have to take it easy."

"Calm down, Yomo. I'm pregnant, not sick." In that moment her face went white and she covered her mouth. she rushed to the bathroom.

♢"Not sick, Huh?"

"Oh fuck off."

♢ "You know the baby can hear you swear."

"F**k, D**n, S**t, C**t, A*****e."

♟ "I've never heard that before. Should I get you guys another book?"

"Please GOD NO!" Touka shouted from the bathroom.

Ken smiled. "Yomo, you have done enough for us. We have much more then we could ever possibly need. We got this, but thank you so much for everything. None of this would be hear without you."

Yomo pushed the Crib against the wall. "I think it's done"

Touka walked back into the room and leaned against Ken's shoulder. Hinami hugged his side and he held her at her waist.

♡"It's perfect."


	19. Agathokakological

Kaneki was sitting on the living room couch drinking a cup of black coffee. In his other hand he was holding 'Crime and Punishment' by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. He was still on the first page. He has been reading for over an hour. The words seemed to blur together, forming nothing in his mind. It was as if the words were meaningless.

He placed the book on the coffee table in front of him and watched the steam raise from his mug.

Touka wrapped her arms around Ken from behind the couch. She gave him a kiss on the cheek. Ken sat perfectly still looking at his mug.

"Are you alright?" She took a seat on the couch right next to him.

"You know when you're drowning you don't inhale until right before you black out." He lowerd the mug in between his thighs. "The instinct to not let the water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your heads exploding."

"What are you saying?"

"But when you finally do let it in that's when it stops hurting."

'I knew I made a mistake falling in love with a boy who loves metaphors,' Touka thought. 

Ken tore his gaze from the coffee mug and met Touka's eyes. "I'm fine." Touka's eyes were wide, offering this disgusting pity to the young man. Ken snapped his head back down.

'What am I doing?' He thought. 'I'm being condescending. I shouldn't have said that. Touka is the one with real problems. How dare I bother her with my own.' 

She grabbed his knee. "Let me in. You get so lost in your head sometimes. Maybe I can help you out?"

'That was a shitty metaphor,' She thought. But she saw a smile tugging the edge of his half hidden face. 

"Everything's fine," He insisted. "Except for the not sleeping, the jumpiness, the constant, overwhelming, crushing fear that something bad is about to happen."

"It's called hypervigilance. The persistent feeling of being under threat."

"It's not just the feeling though." He clenched his knees. "It feels like a panic attack. Like you can't even breath."

"Like you're drowning?"

"... Yeah."

"So, if you're drowning and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very...last...moment. That gives you more time, right?"

Ken looked at Touka confused. 

"I don't have a way with words like you do, and I don't fully understand what you went through and are currently going through. But I don't have to understand to be able to listen. You're problems are not a burden to me. I didn't fall in love with you despite your problems. I saw your problems and loved them too.... I don't know if this is coming out right." She laughed.

Ken went to open his mouth, but before he could say anything Touka was running to the bathroom with her hand over her mouth. Ken ran after her and they keeled on the bathroom floor together.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ruin the moment." Ken rubbed her back.

"See you have real problems."

"You're problems are worse then mine because you can't even seem to see it. I'm losing you and you're right in front of me." She sobbed.

"I...I just." he covered his eyes with his hand. "I know I'm hurting you by not talking to you, but I..." His whole body began to shake. "It feels... like I'm lying... None of it makes sense."

She rested a hand on his check and removed his hands from his eyes to see his tear stained eyes. "It doesn't have to make sense. Some things just need to be said so please, Tell me and we can try to peace it together." She used her other hand to grab his. "Together."

"What have I done to deserve you?"

"I ask myself that every day, Ken."


	20. Parents

Hinami was sitting on the couch of the Kaneki home reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. She couldn't seem to read fast enough. With each passing hour she held the book closer to her face.

"How are you Hinami?" Kaneki entered the kitchen and began making two cups of coffee.

♡"I really love the book Ken!"

"I'm glad. It's one of my favorites."

♡"It has such an enlightened narrator, and even though the book has sort of a 'lazy summer' feel it brings to light issues of parasitism, sexism, and how being different can unsettle people."

"I never thought of it that way."

♡ "What do you mean?"

"I always saw Scout as a normal child who is just learning and adapting to the world as it is. She doesn't fit into the social norms of what a girl should be but she learns her place in the world while still trying to preserve her spirit, and make a difference in this world just like Atticus did."

♡ "Wow! I interpreted it completely wrong."

Kaneki picked up the two mugs and sat next to Hinami.

"You're not wrong. Their are many ways to interpret literature. As long as you can defend your argument your interpretation is valid."

Both took the first sip of their coffee.

Himami beamed. ♡ "Wow! This tastes like the managers."

"I wouldn't say it's that goods. Touka is still helping me improve."

♡ "Where is Touka? I haven't seen her in a few days."

"She is still asleep. She's been trying so hard to eat more. She feels so nauseous all the time, and those pills from Kimi aren't working as well as they used to."

♡ "Well thanks for letting me come over anyway. I know things have been so hard for you guys."

"You're always welcome Hinami. Ayato must be driving you crazy." 

♡ "Oh, no. He is really nice, but he always wants to do something and he hates the quiet. It's nice to finally just read without being interrupted." She put her cup down and held the book closer to her chest "I especially love the books you give me and conversing about it. I can't do that with anyone else."

Ken smiled. "I feel the same way, Hinami. You help me view books I've been rereading for years in a different light." He patted her knee. "You've grown so much since Antieku, and it's been an honor to see you grow up."

Hinami looked down and started sobbing. Ken put a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean--"

♡ "No," She sobbed. "You have always been a good person. Well, except when you held me at Cochlea." Kaneki blushed. "But through all of that you still remained kind and selfless. I don't think I ever told you, but I don't blame you for Mama's death. Bad things just happen sometimes, it's no ones fault." She sobbed harder. "I miss Mama and I love her so much... but you and Touka are so nice and good to me, I wish you were my Mama and Papa."

Hinami buried her face in Ken's chest.

♡ "Things aren't perfect but I can't believe how all of this worked out... I can't believe all the good times, and i'm so happy to see everyone living a life I never thought we could... but why do things still feel so bad?"

"It's okay to remember the bad times. It's okay to hate certain aspects of people, but not hate them entirely. Everyone on earth, human and ghoul, are just trying to do what they think is right. We're bound to make mistakes we regret, bound to see things that never cease to make our heart ache. Let yourself feel these things but don't you dare ever think you're unloved, or that the good times will end."

♡ "Thanks, Papa" 

Ken pulled her closer.


	21. Suicide

Touka was only looking in her closet for a comfortable shirt to wear to bed. She never thought she would see a crumpled piece of lined paper under a few dirty cloths. 

She slowly unraveled the letter. The writing was unmistakable, although unkempt. 

It was her husbands handwriting.

The letter read:

" 

To whom it May Concern,

My name is Ken Kaneki, and I've decided to end my life tonight. 

This isn't an act of aggression or vengeance towards any one. I just feel like I don't have a place here anymore and I don't think I ever did. 

I'd prefer to choose my end before the end finds me and I use to be so afraid to write something like this but I'm not scared. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not here to prove some grand point in order to justify why I did this or what was my ultimate purpose for coming into this world because I've concluded that I never found my purpose. 

I tried my absolute hardest to push those feelings of worthlessness off of me but I can't fight it anymore. 

This was for me and I know this is selfish.

To my daughter, I know how much it sucks to grow up without a father, but trust me living without one is better then having a parent who makes you feel like you're anything less then perfect. While I have never met you, you mean the world to me. While I have ever met you, you are perfect and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you're perfect because you are half your mother and I know you'll be just like her. Strong, independent, and not afraid to let love in. I'm sorry I could not be their when you took your first breath.

To Touka, I know this is going to hit you the hardest and I don't want to be anymore of a burden. I love you so fucking much and I wish you could hold me tonight when I take my last breath. Above everyone else, you meant the most. You didn't give up on me. I'm asking you to please move on from my passing and let yourself live again. Life can be so beautiful and while my memories will linger, I checked out a long time ago.I love all of you so much and i'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Goodbye.

"

The end of the letter read "October 14th, 23:39" but touka's world blurred as tears spilled from her eyes.


	22. The Question

"Kaneki? What it this?"

Touka was standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding the suicide note to her chest. Ken put his book down and looked at her confused for a moment before he rememberd what he'd done. He looked down.

"You weren't supposed to see that."

"What the fuck is this Kaneki? Are you planning on killing yourself after everything?"

"No, Riku told me that if I thought about death, or ending my life I should write a fake 'suicide note' to help bring me back to reality. It's stupid, but it helps."

"Do you really want to die?"

"No, but I think about it."

"What the fuck, Ken!" She slammed the note down on the table.

"I didn't mean it. This was just part of therapy."

"How am I supposed to believe you?"

She waited but Ken remained silent. 

"Their's a lot of fear going around right now. The health of the baby, the future of Japan-- but do you wanna know what I'm most afraid of? I'm afraid that you don't care." Fresh tears began to trace over the dried ones on her cheeks. 

"I'm afraid you're going to confuse strength and weakness. I'm afraid that you're going to be numb and detached and think that if you can witness horrors and feel nothing then you're doing something right, but in fact your proving how weak you are." Ken shifted in his seat but kept his eyes on the floor. "Look at me when I'm talking to you."

He might her eyes hesitantly. The whites of his eyes were stained red.

"I'm afraid of you because I think you're to scared to be scared and I understand. I know it's scary and I know it hurts, but the only way to heal the pain is through the pain. You have to accept that you're scared. I'm afraid of you because I'm afraid for you."

She delicately caressed his shoulder.

"I don't want you to feel hopeless. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose anyone."

She was sobbing now. She cleared her voice, and it came out strong and forthcoming.

"And it's not okay. You are not fine. Anyone who tells you it's outside your control is lying to you, and they're lying to themselves because they are not as strong as you are."

She tucked the hair falling in his eye behind his ear.

"Their is much to be done. Their is much you can do."

She held him so close their cheeks were touching.

"You can do this, I believe in you, and I'll never leave your side."

Ken pushed her away. She stumbled and lost her footing. The only reason she didn't fall was because she leaned on the counter for support. He stood straight and looked down at her.

"You don't know what it's like to feel worthless." Ken screamed. "Where nothing you do matters. I feel that way every day of my life! Every damn day. And I'm tired of people telling me it's going to be okay. I have felt empty for years. I have thought about dying before I even became a ghoul. So don't tell me it gets better because every time I tricked myself into thinking that's true it gets worse."

"I'm telling you its okay," Touka whispered. "Don't you believe me?"

Ken turned away, biting his lip. "I don't know what to believe."

"You can't trust your own wife? Was marrying me a mistake to you? Why don't you tell me about anything."

"BECAUSE IT'S HUMILIATING!"

The two young adults stood completely still. They seemed like statues in a twisted dollhouse.

"You can't understand." Ken whispered, he stormed to the front door and slammed it behind him.


	23. The Answer

"BECAUSE IT'S HUMILIATING!"

The two young adults stood completely still. They seemed like statues in a twisted dollhouse.

"You can't understand." Ken whispered, he stormed to the front door and slammed it behind him.

The crisp autumn air seemed to freeze against his skin. His knees buckled underneath him. When he hit the ground, a shiver went up through his spine. His palms rested on the cement between his legs.

The moisture from his eyes dripped off his chin and began pooling at his hands.

Ken didn't hear the door open, but he felt the cool, gentle touch of his wife. He said nothing, just heaved out more sobs.

"This feels like the same story on repeat." Ken whispered. "Like I can't actually get "Better" I'm just wasting everyone's time doing the same toxic things." 

"That's what recovery feels like." Touka voice matched his softness.

"I hate how much I want to argue with you," He laughed. "I know I'm wrong but I want to scream and yell and just be mad."

"Then do it."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I've spend years being separated from you. I'm afraid if I do I might never see you again."

Touka pressed his head into her chest and caressed the nape of his neck and down his back.

"I feel so pathetic." Ken laughed. "I keep complaining about the same things."

Touka laughed. "I complain way more then you do. I complain how nauseous I am at least 40 times a day."

"That's diff-"

"Don't you dare say 'that's different because something good is coming out of it'. I don't think you give yourself credit for saving Japan!"

"I guess you're right... you're always right." He sighed. "Why can't we fight like a normal couple?" 

"Where's the fun in normal?"

It began to snow. 

"Snow in October?" Ken asked asked.

"It turns November tomorrow."

"That mean's less then a month now." Ken placed his hands gently on her stomach. Their daughter moved wildly, kicking and punching Touka.

"She's trying to hug you." She laughed.

He stared at her. The snow was making a crown around her head, the moonlight reflected inside her eyes. She was perfect.

She stared at him. The snow blending into his white hair, his eyes reflecting the moonlight. He was perfect.

They embraced each other and melted inside their touch.


	24. Just Words

Ken took a deep breath. Touka took his hand. They were still sitting on the bathroom floor. They sat in silence for several minutes as Ken tried to find his tongue. Touka just sat patiently.

"It doesn't need to make sense," She reminded. 

"Riku, my... therapist, told me it was ironic how much love I gave out because I didn't give much to myself." He held her hand tighter. "He told me I could never truly love anyone until I loved myself."

Touka found a contradiction in her throat but knew by the lack of eye contact that he didn't want to be interrupted. So she waited as he found his breath a second time.

"I've hated myself long before any of this," He gestured towards his left eye. "I was nine when I first wanted to die. My own family couldn't find it in their heart to love me so how was I supposed to find the audacity to love myself, when the only people who were supposed to love my unconditionally couldn't."

He took his hand back from Touka and rested his shaking hands in his lap.

"I have died so many times."

His hands curled into fists to try to stop the shaking.

"When I tell you loving you makes life worth it, I am not joking."

His voice began to waver.

"When I tell you that loving you makes me forget how much I hate myself, it is not poetry."

The water in his eyes became too much to contain-- they began spilling over.

"Loving you, and loving her," he hovered his hand over her abdomen but did not touch her. "Loving you is taking all the love I could never give myself and putting it to good use."

"It is to remind myself that if someone you can love a dying thing this way, can hold the lazers of my body, and give thanks for the way it holds back."

He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"If someone can kiss the scars, absorb the bad days and wake up smiling next to me, then I can try to breath again... Because self love does not always come first, or second, or even ever."

He reached for his wife.

"be the body that carries my collapsed frame into bed, be the flowers you bought because even though they are dying too, they still dance."

He finally met her pained eyes.

"Love will not heal me. It is selfish to think it will. I will always be a man of wounds."

Touka sniffled, tears staining her checks.

"Love will not heal me, but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself, and maybe teach me a joke that will help me live long enough to laugh at."

He took both of her hands and leaned in so their faces were only centimeters apart.

"I love you, enough to want to love myself too."

They closed the distance. They let the heat of each other warm their hearts and burn their lips.

"You need to brush your teeth," he laughed, but she just held him closer.


	25. Moonlight

Ken and Touka were asleep. Ken's put one hand around her waist, and used his other arm as a pillow. The moonlight bleed in through the window, but the room mostly remained in shadows.

The moonlight reflected off the sweat pooling at Touka's forhead. She groaned as he lifted herself up.

"Is everything alright?" Ken was still half asleep-- he hadn't even opened his eyes.

"Ken I think somethings wrong." She brought two fingers to her inner thigh and lifted it to the moonlight. Her fingers were a bright red.

"Kaneki! I'm bleeding."


	26. Miscarriage

The sun was just beginning to rise in Japan, the golden sunlight igniting the room in light.

Touka rubbed her eyes and looked to her left. Ken was asleep on the chair next to her, with his hand still holding hers.

"Ken?"

"Hmm?"

"Did the doctors say anything yet?"

Ken yawned, leaning forward to give Touka his full attention. "They're running a few more test."

"Is that all they said? Was it a lot of blood? Did I do something? I--"

"You have done everything right. Calm down." He looked at his watch. "They should tell us everything that's going on within the next ten minutes."

"Okay," She let out one long breath. "Okay." Ken stroked her hair, touka pulled her hand closer to her cheek.

"You're so warm."

"You're so cold; Do you want me to get you another blanket?"

"Yes, please." Ken put a wool blanket on her all the way up to her shoulders.

"Thank you," She whispered closing her eyes again. Ken took her hand between his and kissed her knuckles.

The door opened and a man in a white lab coat came in.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Kaneki. I'm Dr. Sato. We have you're test results back."

"And?" Touka leaned forward.

"Everything is fine Mrs. Kaneki. The baby is healthy, you are healthy."

"Then why did this happen?" Ken asked.

"Well you are not eating enough. Since you're in the final trimester you need to double your caloric intake."

"Okay," Touka looked at her lap. "Thank you so much doctor."

"You have some friends waiting for you in the lobby. They've been waiting for a few hours. Should I send them in?"

"Please." Touka smiled.

Yoriko ran into the room and gave Touka an almost suffocating hug.

*"Everything is fine, right?"

"Yes, Yoriko. Everything is fine."

*"Thank God! Are you alright?" She leaned into Takeomi (her husband).

Before Touka could answer Hinami rushed to her side and gave Touka a hug.

♡ "I'm so happy you're okay!"

Ayato and Yomo were the last to come in.

♢ "Thanks for not dying." Ayato murmured.

Himami whispered "He cried as we drove over here."

♢ "I can hear you!"

"Is it a lie?" Touka asked.

Ayato's face burned a deep red and he looked at the floor.

♟ "If everything's fine why was she rushed to the ER?" Yomo asked.

"Touka needs to double what she's eating now in order to remain healthy."

* "I can cook for you!" Yoriko chirped. "I can come over and cook anytime you want."

"We'll need more then just food. Yomo can you help us out?"

♟ "Of course. I can get you more meat by Tomorrow afternoon."

"Thank you, we owe you so much Yomo."

♟ "Anything for my kids."

Ken and Touka smiled.


	27. Can We Pretend to be Normal? (Part 1)

*"They're getting out of the cab now!" Yoriko screamed. She hearded Hinami, Ayato, Yomo, her husband Takomi, Uta, Urie, Saiko, Nishki, Kimi, Juuzo, Banjo and Tsuikiyama all under the banner.

(A/N I know that's a lot of people but keep up bitches! (I'm so sorry. I just wanted a big party. We go all out in the Kaneki household.))

The banner read 'It's a girl' in big pink letters. Cupcakes, fruit, macaroons, cakes, and all kind of sweets covered the kitchen counter. Presents overflowed on the coffee table, onto the floor.

♢ "This is dumb," Ayato complained. 

* "So are you, but you don't see me getting in your face about it." Everyone laughed, "SHUT UP!" 

The whole room went silent. Everyone stood completely still. They heard a rustling at the door, a key slowly turning the knob. The door opened reviling a young couple.

"Surprise!" Everyone cheered-- except for Urie and Ayato who thought they were too cool to be having fun. Juuzo had stuffed to many cupcakes in his face to cheer along.

The couple just stood their for a moment of shocked silence, before looking at each other and laughing.

"Thanks you guys," Ken laughed.

"Yoriko, did you do all this?" Touka gestured towards the room.

*"Yes! but before you thank us yet." Yoriko gestured towards the hallway. "Mr. America!"

~ "I like that," Hide walked from the hallway holding a very relatively large giftbag in his hands.

"Hide" Ken gave Hide a hug. (A/N No homo bro) "How was America?"

~ "American's are freaking crazy, and kind of rude too-- but things went really well at the lectures. Oh! and I got you some gifts." He handed Ken the present. "Yomo probably already got you this stuff, but it didn't feel right to come back empty handed."

Ken held the gift bag open and let Touka pull out a light blue rattle with pale yellow ducks, a binky with a picture of a watermelon at it's handle, and American candies.

~ "I know you guys can't enjoy the candy, but foreign sweets are always just cool to see. OH! there is one more thing in the bag."

Touka pulled out a children's book with a cover of a purple dragon with white hair.  
It read "Dragon War" by Hideyoshi Nagachika.

~"It's about the Dragon war. You know just less violent, and slightly inaccurate."

"This is amazing!" Touka said, flipping threw the pages.

"We know you didn't draw this," Ken joked.

~"Yeah, I meet a few illustrators in America. It's amazing what people will do for you when they find out you know Ken Kaneki, the One Eyed Dragon himself."

"It's wonderful," Touka and Ken embraced Hide.

~"Anything for you two."

At this point everyone began to break off in tiny conversations, enjoying Yoriko's cooking or Yomo's coffee.

*"I have a gift too!" Yoriko cheered with Takeomi at her side-- handing them a huge present.

"This is ugh..." Touka began.

*"You don't have to open it now. It's just a cutting board, some knives, and a peeler. I know you guys don't have a lot of cooking stuff, but your daughters got to eat right?"

"Thank you, Yoriko." Touka said, setting down the gifts at the coffee table.

Takeomi and Ken shook hands. "It has been a long time." 

"I heard your working at the TSC," Ken said. "How's that?"

"It's been really good," He laughed a little. "Honestly, it's way better then the CCG, and I'm working with Urie and Saiko everyday-- which is... interesting to say the least."

Ken laughed. "How is Saiko?"

"Maman!" Someone hugged Ken from behind and spun in front of him. "I missed you Maman!" She hugged him harder. She jumped to Touka and tackled her into a hug. "I can feel the baby kicking!" Saiko awed.

"She does that a lot," Touka laughed.

"Yonebayashi!" Urie walked towards them with his hands in his pocket. "Don't overwhelm them."

"It's fine," Ken laughed. "It has been so long Associate Special Class Peacekeeper Kuki Urie. I heard you're captain of the next generation of Q's. Are they as difficult as the first?"

Urie gave the slightest hint of a smile, but it faded as soon as it came. "They're not too bad. Just young and stupid like all of us were. Yonebayashi been's helping a lot in the education of the Q's."

"She's basically the mascot of the operation." Takeomi said, patting Saiko on the back.

"What can I say? The kids love me."

"What about you?" Urie aked. "Are you joining the TSC."

"I got offered a position as an Associate Special Class Peacekeeper for the 20th ward, but I think I might turn it down for a part time position."

"Why would you turn that down?" Urie almost sounded angry. "You're an amazing investigator, don't you think you owe it to Japan to use your strength."

Ken wrapped his fingers around Toukas. "It would be too much time away from home."

Urie looked like he wanted to argue; Ken put a hand on his shoulder.

"Urie, I understand why you would disagree, but I've been thinking long and hard about this decision, and all I want-- more then position, or honor, or duty-- it to give my daughter a good life."

"I can respect that."

"Who knows," Ken continued. "Maybe she will join the TSC too."

"Over my dead body." Touka growled.


	28. Can We Pretend to be Normal? (Part 2)

"Urie, I understand why you would disagree, but I've been thinking long and hard about this decision, and all I want-- more then position, or honor, or duty-- it to give my daughter a good life."

"I can respect that."

"Who knows," Ken continued. "Maybe she will join the TSC too."

"Over my dead body." Touka growled.

"Maman's wife?"

"You can call me Touka."

"Are you going to work at RE once it opens again?"

"We all miss this delectable coffee of yours," Shuu Tsuikiyama said walking up to them with Kazuichi Banjou at his side.

"Still as creepy as always." Touka complained. "Why did you even invite him Yoriko?"

"Now, Now Touka. No need to be that way."

"If you must know. Yoriko and I have already made a new menu for the grand reopening of RE."

"Yay!" Saiko cheered. "When will it be open?"

"We're hoping to open in April."

"Aww, that's too long."

"Come one," Takeomi said. "They probably want to catch up." Yoriko, Takomi, Urie, and Saiko went to the spread of deserts on the kitchen table-- leaving Tsuikyama, Banjou, Touka, and Kaneki.

"The menu's could say 'approved by the one-eyed king'." said Shuu. "That would probably give you guys more business. I know I'd come everyday."

"To bad you'll be busy rebuilding Tokyo with your father," Touka fained sadness.

"I will do anything to make time for my friends."

Touka leaned into ken and whispered "Can I punch him?"

"I wouldn't be so host--"

"You should stop now while it's just a warning." Ken suggested. "How are you Banjo?"

"I've been representing the United Front with Shuu. He's a bit... much at times--"

"Why do you all have to be so rude!" Shuu stormed away.

"But he really is doing everything he can to restore Tokyo. It's really cool to see history be made. And I am even more excited to see you two build you family." Banjo started to tear up. "I should go comfort Shuu."

Ken gave a small laugh. "Don't forget to visit us more Banjo. We've missed you."

Banjo nodded, but he only sobbed harder.

"This is going to be a long party." Touka complained, burning her face in her husbands shoulder.

"They mean well."

"I know," She stood straight. "You know they're on to something with the 'One-Eye King approved' thing."

"That would certainly get my business," said Kimi with Nishki at her side. "Are the new pills working, Touka?"

"Yes, thank you so much Kimi. I've had no trouble keeping food down."

"Tell me if anything changes okay? I'm already working on the next pill just in case."

"You're too kind Kimi."

"That's what I keep telling her," Nishki mumbled. Kimi elbowed him in the stomach and she continued to speak.

"The synthetic food is going to take a lot longer to make then I originally thought. In the lab we're able to make the meat but they all taste..."

"Like horse crap." Nishki said.

"Are you dividing the cell from tissue of the Dragon's Kagune?" Ken asked.

"Yes."

"You should try getting tissue from human bodies, after they're dead of course. The division would be harder to replication, but it will improve the taste and nutritional value."

Kimi gasped. "I never even thought of that!" She grabbed Nishki's arm "We need to go to the lab now! Thanks, Ken!"

"Now you've done it." Nishki growled.

The two hurried out the door.

"Did you want them to leave?" Touka asked.

"No, but I have been thinking about that for a while."

"You're such a dork," She gave him a peck on the check. "Let's say hi to Juuzou before he eats all the food."

"That's probably a good idea."

"Hello Special Class Peacekeeper Juuzou Suzuya." Touka bowed to Juuzou.

"Ugh, I hate the long titles. They're so annoying. Just say Juuzou." 

Juuzou had been praised by many people for his accomplishments, and people all over Japan had already recognized him as the best Peacekeeper of all time-- despite the fact that the organization only existed for a few months.

"Have you thought of any names for it?" Juuzou asked.

"It?" Touka questioned. "Oh, you mean the baby. We have a few picked out, but we don't really want to say anything before she's born."

"You know I never understood this whole thing." Juuzou complained. "Why is everything pink? I mean I know you're having a girl, but what if she doesn't like the color pink? What if she feels more like a boy? What if she thinks the whole concept of gender is dumb and identifies as gender neutral? That makes this whole thing stupid."

Ken and Touka froze for a moment

"I think people just like themed parties." Ken suggested. Juuzou nodded, like it answered all his questions.

"No matter what she chooses we'll support her either way." Touka smiled.

"With a Papa like Ken I don't doubt it." Juuzou adjusted the pins in his hair. "Can I have the American candies Hide brought?"

"Of course."

"Thanks Kanekis!" He ran over to the gifts and put the candies in his pocket.

"I don't think I've ever heard my last name said as a plural." Ken noted.

"Our last name." She leaned in for a kiss, but stopped when Ayato and Hinami held a gift out in front of them. 

♡ "I know you're going to open the gifts after everyone leaves, but I wanna see you open this."

Ken held the gift open and let Touka raise a small onesie out of the bag.

♡ "I picked them out myself."

She pulled out a light blue onesie withe the words "Mama's little Monster" written in white on the chest. Above the letters was a small green monster with one red eye.

♡ "It's a little cringey, but I thought it was funny. The second one is better."

This one was a light green with the words "My Uncle is cooler." in blue with a picture of sunglasses bellow the letters.

"It's perfect." Kaneki laughed. 

~~~~~~

As the hours passed on people slowly drained out of the Kaneki household. 

The couple opened the gifts to find many books, baby blankets, and cloths. 

Naki and Miza even left gifts. It was nipple butter, so both were very glad they waited to open the gifts after everyone left.

(A/N Nipple butter is what pregnant women use when their nipple chafe during breastfeeding. Thank you and join us next time on weird facts you didn't know you didn't want to know.)

They found a place for every gift, and after hours on their feet they finally collapsed onto their bed.

Touka pressed her palms to her eyes. "That was exhausting."

"Come on, it wasn't that bad."

"Speak for yourself. Your stomach doesn't weigh 15 pounds."

"Do you want me to massage your back again?"

"Yes, please."


	29. Written in blood

Touka woke up to an empty bed. She could smell freshly brewed coffee wafting in from the kitchen.

She got out of her pajama's and put on a dress and leggings. Touka consolidated her hair up into a pony tale, she searched her wrists for something to tie it up, but found nothing.

Touka cursed under her breath and opened the draw of Kaneki's bedside table. The draw was completely empty except for a black and white pocket sized notebook.

She lifted the notebook and let a thick red substance seep through the pages of the notebook.

Her hair fell back down to her shoulders as he opened the first page.

 

8/10 

It feels so weird not to be unconscious anymore. That sounds so weird. I've been able to walk, and actually live my life for a week now, but I keep having that nightmare. It haunts every part of my day. I'm afraid to even go near Touka. I've hurt so many people so how should I believe that I could be a good husband or father like Yomo and Hinami say I will be? I don't even know why I'm writing this. 

8/20

Yoriko took me to a therapist. I don't like it. It feels dumb. It's helping a lot but I feel like I'm lying. Lying to Touka and Riku. I don't think that I am. But what do I know? What is the truth anyway?

8/25

Riku says this journal thing is good to write in, and I should write in it daily.

8/26

I have nothing to say.

 

Pages were torn out of the binding, and some pages were scribbled over.

 

8/29

There are too many words in my head. I can't keep up with my thoughts. Writing it just makes me realize how fucking crazy I am.

9/02

I would give everything I have, and everything I will ever have just to feel pain again. I can't feel anything.

9/10

I feel like things are finally getting better.

9/20

I feel guilty feeling this okay.

9/23

We think that pain is the worst feeling. It isn't. How could anything be worse then this eternal silence inside me? It makes me miss the shouting voices.

9/25

I wish I could run a razor blade across my skin. I want to feel the pain to make sure I'm still alive. I want to see my blood to make sure I'm still human. But I don't think I would get the answer I want.

10/05

Can you get addicted to the feeling of dying?

10/14

I wrote a suicide note today. Just to see what it felt like. I feel better. Seeing it on paper makes me realize how selfish it is to feel this way. Their is no way I could do that after everything I managed to survive. I couldn't do that to Touka.

10/15

Could I?

10/17

Touka asks me why I can't open up to her. I don't know how to answer. Because the biggest problem isn't the past. The biggest problem isn't how I feel. The problem is that I can't feel anything-- until all of the emotions come in at once.

11/02

Touka found my suicide note. I'm afraid she will find this too.

11/03

Touka is the reason I get up in the morning. She makes everything feel alright.

11/05 

Is getting better even possible?

11/06

I'm telling everyone I'm okay.

11/07

I'm lying

11/08

If I just believe it too it won't be a lie right?

11/12

I could disappear forever and it wouldn't make a difference.

11/14

Am I alive?

11/16

Why am I so angry that I lived?

11/19

Things will get better. They have too.

11/21

Touka still asks why I can't open up to her. But it feels like reciting your midnight tragedy's to the sunrise. You don't want to spoil such a beautiful thing with darkness. She doesn't deserve that. This isn't about her.

11/23

I can finally understand why Jason tortured others. It did bring a sick kind of happiness. I know I was laughing.

11/25

I thought I've come to terms with my own meaning of life. So why is it still so fucking empty?

11/27

People ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm okay, but what does that even mean?

11/29 [A/N This is dated yestersay, from when Touka is reading it.]

KILL ME PLEASE

 

The phrase took over the entire page. It was written in scarlet. It was written in a substance she knew far too well. She turned the last page and saw five words written in small handwriting on the center of the page.

 

I wish it would scar.


	30. Karma

Touka set the notebook down on the bedside table. She took a small backpack from under her bed and began packing her things.

She picked up her phone and called the only person she knew she could still trust.

"Yoriko, can you pick me up right now?"

*"What's wrong."

"I will explain everything. I just need to get out of this house now."

*"Did Kaneki hit you?! Should I call someone."

Touka couldn't help but laugh. Ken buried his pain so far into his skin that she don't think he could ever take it out on anyone else. In some sick way he thinks if he hides his sorrow no one will get hurt, but it is always the silence that secrets keep that hurts the most people.

"No, I'm not in danger. It was just a fight."

*"Thank God. I-I mean that's terrible. I will be their in five!"

"Thank you Yoriko. I love you." 

[A/N No homo bro. We can say I love you in Platonic ways! Friend ship is love too! (but also a little homo because gay, smut, and depression is the holy trinity of fanfiction.)]

*"I love you too Touka."

She hung up the phone and drew in a long breath. Touka clutched the notebook in her hands and took her bag in the other.

She stormed into the kichen and threw the book on the counter in front of Kaneki. He removed the cup of coffee from his lips and looked at her.

"I made you coffee." He pushed the other cuo towards her.

"I found your journal."

"It's part of therapy."

"Why did you hide it from me?"

"I don't hide anything from you."

"Nothing? Okay." Touka flipped through the notebook to the entry written in red. "Tell me what this is written in then."

Ken gritted his teeth. "Blood." He closed his eyes as he spoke.

"How did you do this?" 

He looked down at his feet. 

Touka slapped him.

"Look at me!" Her eyes were filled with water, but her face carried strong and didn't dare waver. "I asked you how did you do this. You told me you don't hide anything, so don't you dare hide your face from me."

"I used my Kagune to slit my wrists, and wrote that using my blood."

"Why"

"I-I just..."

"What? You what?"

"I wanted to feel it." His voice was small, void of any emotion.

Touka scoffed. "You know that every time you regenerate you age faster. Do you want to limit the time we finally have together? Do you want to leave me?"

"This isn't about you."

"You're trying to kill my husband! How is this not about me?"

Their was a knock at the door.

"I can't keep doing this, Ken. It's the same argument over and over again. You tell me stories, tell me your past but you never tell me what's actually bothering you. Well I'm done."

She picked up her bag and headed for the door.

"What are you doing?"

She looked over her shoulder.

"I'm giving you the fight you wanted."

She slammed the door behind her.


	31. Unravel

Ken sat on the Kitchen floor. He had barely moved in the hours Touka left, he just stared at the notebook she had left on the counter.

Yomo came in. No knock, barley even a sound. He just walked up to the pathetic young man laying on the floor.

♟ "Stand up."

He obeyed, still staring blankly off into the distance.

♟ "Touka told me what happened."

Ken just stood their. The words seemed to be coming through water. 

Yomo sighed.

♟ "I have gone through the regret of killing, but not the stress of being tortured, going insane, losing your memory, or any of that other bullshit you went through. I think you would crazy if you weren't struggling now." Ken found enough energy to actually focus on Yomo. "But you can't keep secrets like this. You can't do this Touka."

"I know," he whispered.

♟ "I don't think you do." He drew in a breath to sooth his anger before starting again. "I'm not going to rant about how lucky you are to have her, you know this. Everyone can see it. I'm telling you that.... No matter what you go throw self harm, suicide, whatever-- none of that is ever justified! What were you going to do? You survived all of this and know you're going to let Touka raise this kid by herself?!"

"It's not about dying."

♟ "THEN WHAT IS IT ABOUT?"

"TRYING TO FEEL ALIVE!"

Yomo gritted his teeth, searching for his tongue.

"Touka makes my chest burn, and brightens everything in this world, but when I'm not around her, or if it's a cloudy day everything is black and white and I feel nothing. I just want to feel something, and I know it's wrong, but I was so certain I was making the right choices before and I have always been wrong! How can I possibly trust myself again?"

♟ "You can't know if you're making the right decision. You just have to keep living." 

I don't know how, he thought. But his mouth formed the words "Thanks, Yomo." In a tone of voice that even convinced himself that he was fine--

But only for an instant.


	32. Broken

The Kaneki household was silent.

Ken had his back against the kitchen counter, covering his overflowing eyes with his arm.

Shattered knives, broken forks, and even bent spoons surrounded him.

Of course none of these materials could even leave a mark on a ghoul's skin. Of course they weren't enough.

Even if they worked it wouldn't be like getting all your limbs ripped off. It wouldn't be like having your fingers and toes crushed. It wouldn't be like having a centipede crawling in your ears. It wouldn't be like drowning in flesh and blood.

A small knock rapped at the door. Ken remained unmoving.

*"Kaneki?" Yoriko made her way into the kitchen and stifled down a gasp. "I-I wanted to see if you were okay."

Ken said nothing.

She pushed the knives out of her way and leaned against the cupboard next to Kaneki. She just sat next to him, listening to each passing sob that forced it's way from the young mans throat.

"You know what I think?" He finally said. "I think we are all stuck in our own private traps. Stuck in them." He removed his arm from his face.

He waited for a response but none came.

"I think I was born in mine. It's funny. What's wrong isn't the fucked up shit I went through. What's wrong is a disease I was born with..." He looked up at the ceiling, allowing tears to cascade down his cheeks and drip off from the point of his chin. "Do you believe in fate?"

*"That depends on what you think fate is."

"What do you mean?"

*"I believe that fate is like a River. It drifts off into different streams and pools into ponds. I don't think anything was 'fated to happen'. I think we make decisions that causes our life to split off into a different stream." She laughed. "I don't know if that made any sense. I just believe that after you decided to go on a date with Rize your life had to end up this way. Of course their were many decisions made between then and now to get you here-- but you were fated to save Japan!" She let out a deep breath. "Am I even making any sense?"

"Yes." 

*"You made the right choices in life. You're a hero."

"Then why do I feel so guilty all the time? If I live a great life like everyone keeps telling me then why do I feel this hollowness, this sick desire for pain?"

She touched his shoulder, but he flinched away so she rested her hand back down to her side.

*"Ken it's okay to get worse after long strides forward. That's normal. You just got to remember to keep going forward."

"I'm not enough! i'm not held, and i'm never going to be!"

*"Yes you are."

"How do you know?"

*"Fate wanted you to live. Fate gave you a child, a wife, peace between humans and ghouls. Don't you want to see more of that? Isn't that worth living to see through?"

Ken crossed his legs and put his hands on the floor between them.

"I'm trying so fucking hard."

Yoriko smiled. *"We know, Ken. And we're all here to help you. No matter what."

"Does that mean Touka...."

Yoriko laughed hard enough to relive the tension from Ken's shoulders. "She didn't leave you forever. Couples fight, but she'll comeback." She patted Ken's shoulder "Touka has been crying since you left."

"Really?"

*"How did you ever get her to marry you?" She stood up. "I'll show you how real husbands end fights."

He took her hand


	33. Roses

Touka is wrapped in a blanket, sipping a cup of decaf coffee. The TV is playing some stupid movie were everything works out in the end. The sun had set hours ago, and the tears had finally dried on her cheeks. 

She stared at her now cold cup of coffee. 

'How could I do this to him?' She thought. 'He's trying his best to get better and I slap him because he's not recovering fast enough?' She tilted her head back to keep the tears from coming again. 'I guess some things never change. Kaneki deserves better.'

A soft knock comes at the door. 

'It must be Yoriko. She's been gone for hours.'

She carries the blanket around her shoulders as she answers the door. The December air freezes her skin; She tugs the blanket closer to her body.

Yomo, Yoriko, and Ken are standing before her all dressed in.... Anteiku uniforms. 

Yomo was holding a pot of freshly brewed coffee. The aroma sent her back to the cafe; the warmth and safety that it always provided.

Yoriko was holding an overflowing bowl of brown 'sugar' cubes.

Ken's hair was black, which just made the scars on his cheeks and neck seem more profound. In his hands were a dozen white roses.

"No time, nor distance can ever make me stop loving you.I have made so many mistakes, and I know I will make hundreds more. But I don't want any of my mistakes to be keeping secrets from you." He took a step closer. "You are my everything."

Touka took the roses handed to her. The blanket dropped from her shoulders as she wrapped her arms around her husband and buried her face in his shoulder. 

She feels an apology about to leave her tongue-- but knew they had offered enough amends.

"I love you." He held her closer.

*"The coffees getting cold." Yoriko interrupted.

Ken held Touka bridal style and carried her into Yoriko's home.

The three of them drank the coffee, and made fun of Ken's wig. 

It was like the old times... but better.


	34. Together

[A/N slight sex scene. I'd rate it PG13]

Touka and Ken were in bed snuggled against each other. The only source of light was the crescent moon peaking in through their window.

"You really know how to make an apology," Touka said.

"It was Yoriko's idea," Ken whispered back.

"I had no right to--"

"No more apologies," He interrupted.

He leaned into kiss her. They inhaled each others breaths, and pressed their bodies closer together the longer their lips touched. Touka shifted her leg, and felt something hard in his groin.

Ken groaned and pulled her away. "Sorry." He almost laughed, considering the last words that left his tongue. 

"Let's do it," She leaned in for another kiss, but Ken pulled her back. 

"You're due in three weeks. I don't think it's--"

"Ken, you have read just as much parenting books as I have. You know it's safe." She began to slip off his boxers. Ken tried to pull her away once more, but his whole body was trembling at her touch.

"I know b--"

Touka touched his groin. "Poor thing looks pent up."

Ken used his hand to silence a moan escaping from his throat.

[A/N I'm not writing anymore smut. You know where this is going]


	35. Midnight

Touka sat upright in her bed. Ken's hand that had been holder her shoulder glided down to her pillow.

"Are you alright?" He asked half asleep.

A moan teased the back of Touka's mouth. "My stomach hurts."

Ken sat up, putting his hand in something wet. He lifted his hand to fine the moisture coming from her Pajama pants.

"Your water broke."

She held her abdomen while she leaned forward-- stiffing a groan in her throat. "Yeah that would make sense."

"I'll call a cab." 

~~~~~~~

The cab came in a matter of minutes, and Ken helped Touka into the car. Touka was still struggling to find her breath as the vehicle began to move. 

"Remember the breathing," Ken said. She found her breath again, feeling the cool sweat drip down her forehead.

"Ken?"

"Yeah?"

"Were going to be parents."

Ken laughed, kissing her cheek. "What a beautifully scary thought."


	36. Welcome

"It's a girl!" The doctor announced. Touka collapsed into the hospital bed, untenseing all her muscles for the first time in six hours. She let go of Ken's hand. He rubbed his fingers as they...unbroke. 

The doctor handed the baby to Kimi. The child began to scream as she cleaned her off.

"Is she okay?" Touka almost pleaded for the answer.

Kimi wrapped the girl in a fluffy pink towel. "She's perfectly healthy." Her crying slowly eased as the warmth of the towel took over her small body.

Kimi handed Touka her child. Her eyes were grey like Kens. The baby smiled, and made a noise close to a laugh.

Tears spilled down her cheeks. Ken held his wife at her shoulders, slowly caressing her side trying to comfort her-- but he soon found tears staining his own face.

"Have you thought of a name?"

"Ichika." They couple said at the same time.

"Flower," Kimi said. "That's beautiful."

"Hi, Ichika," Touka sobbed. Ichika wrapped her hand around her mother's finger and smiled. 

"We're your parents." Ken finished. Her little eyes shifted to her father. She smiled so wide that it forced her eyes closed.

The new parents just sat and took in their new child. 

She was perfect in their eyes.

"Do you want to let the others in?" Kimi asked. "They've been waiting a while."

"Yeah," Touka sad wiping the tears away from her eyes.

Hide, Yoriko, Yomo, Hinami, Ayato, and even Nishki walked in-- but he walked right to Kimi's side.

"Her name is Ichika." Touka said.

♡ "I love that name," Hinami chirped.

♢"She's got snows eyes." Ayato said.

"Please stop calling me that," Ken asked.

*"And Touka's nose," Yoriko laughed. 

For a moment they just stared at baby girl.

~"Can I hold her?"

Touka handed Ichika to Hide. Her baby hands reached for his mask; he gave her his pointer finger to hold onto instead.

Hide's eyes wrinkled; he didn't have to have a mouth for people to know he was smiling-- well, trying to.

~ "With this mask, I think I will hands down be the best at peek-a-boo."

The other's couldn't help laughing, but no one negated him.

♡ "I can't believe how small she is." Hinami used her thumb to caress the side of Ichika's cheek. The baby leaned into her touch and smiled again. "I know she's only been alive for an hour, but I already love her so much."

♢ "I guess she's kind of cute."

~ "Do you want to hold you're niece?"

♢ "No!... Not yet... She's so fragile."

Hide laughed a little before handing Ichika to Yomo. 

That was the first time Ken and Touka had ever seen Yomo smile. He had dimples of both cheeks. His smile was contagious, and a corrupted everyone's faces-- even Nishki and Ayato.

♟ "She's perfect," Yomo said. Ichika buried her face in his chest.

"How are you feeling, Touka?" Kimi asked with her eyes still on Ichika. "Touka?"

But she was already fast asleep in the hospital bed.

"It's been a long few hours," Ken laughed. "Thank you guys so much for sitting with us through all of this, but can the three of us have a few more moments alone."

"You can just kick us out," Nishki said. "No need to be so polite."

Yomo put Ichika in Ken's arms. His daughter snuggled her face against his chest and closed her eyes.

Their friends left.

Ken sat on the chair next to Touka. Ichika warmed his chest, and he held her closer. The sky shifted from a deep indigo to a light pink, leading the darkness out of the sky, and allowing the sun to peek out from the horizon.

Ichika started crying.

This was certainly going to be a fight he would never be ready for.

 

THE END


	37. Authors Note

If you made it this far-- well, thank you! I hope you liked this story. 

I was thinking of continuing this story under a different 'series', or doing more oneshot type stuff. I'm not sure yet. Tell me what you think. 

Again thank you so much for reading, and I hope you have an amazing day. (or if it's been a bad day, I hope things get better)

I love you guys so much!


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